The List, or Six Impossible Things
by ItsTeotwawki
Summary: [Post AC]To relieve boredom, Yuffie comes up with a list of things she's detetermined to change about her fellow AVALANCHE members...Implied CloTi and Yuffietine.DRUMMROLL PLEASE! CHAPTER TEN IS HERE AT LONG LAST! IT'S REALLY HERE! YAY! Don't kill me...
1. Once Upon a time in Midgar City

**A/N: **Final Fantasy VII, its characters, plot, and overall coolness do not belong to me. They belong to Tetsuya Nomura, and Square Enix. As soon as FFVII is released into the public domain, the rest of you can fight me for it. Until then, I'm just borrowing it.

**Summary:** There has been a drastic decrease in business at the Seventh Heaven, so out of boredom, Yuffie comes up with a little contest to liven things up a bit and pass the time…

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It wasn't a particularly _nice_ day, but it wasn't all that bad either. The sky was clouded over, but hey- it was Midgar. So what else was new? Apparently, the planet had gone from being totally furious at the citizens of the once-mighty city, and had progressed to just feeling pissed off. Thus, it was taking out it's annoyance towards all human life forms by way of the terrible weather, general monotony, and complete lack of patrons in the Seventh Heaven Bar for the third day in a row. 

Tifa doubted that this last observation had anything to do with the planet. If anything, the terrible weather and general monotony of life in Edge had driven many people to drink, making her bar quite popular among the dregs of the city.

She rubbed a rag half-heartedly around the inside of an already clean glass, and set it back on the shelf next to a row of its fellows. It was barely lunchtime, and already she'd cleaned the windows, wiped down the tables, and washed dishes, regardless of the fact that none of this was necessary: No patrons equaled no mess. Even the regulars hadn't made appearances lately, beyond poking their heads in the door to say hello before going on their way. It was a good thing Cloud was making money on the side with the delivery service, or she'd be up to her neck in trouble.

A knock at the door caused Tifa to look up expectantly. "It's open!" She called cheerfully. "Come on in!" The pessimistic side of her whispered snidely that it was likely only one of the kids back from playing, or Cloud home early from his route, but her optimistic side promptly slapped the pessimism upside the head and told it to lighten up.

The door burst open, admitting the unstoppable whirlwind of energy otherwise known as Yuffie Kisaragi. Plopping herself down on one of the stools at the counter, the ninja looked around in confusion. "Hey, it's kinda empty in here," She observed. "What's going on?"

"Business is slow." Tifa said shortly. "Would you like anything?" Even _Yuffie_ had to have some purpose for being here, right? Tifa hoped that it involved food, drink, and some Gil changing hands. And hopefully, that Gil would end up in the till, and not in the kleptomaniac ninja's pocket.

Yuffie shrugged absently. "Nah, no thanks. I just came in to see how you were doing." She waited expectantly, and finally Tifa lied and said she was doing fine. Satisfied, Yuffie began fumbling around in her pocket. "I thought you might be a little bored sitting around here, so I was wondering if you could help me out with something."

Tifa sensed impending doom. "Actually, Yuffie, I have to stay here and watch the bar. I'd hate to miss a potential cust-"

"Found it!" Yuffie shrilled triumphantly, cutting Tifa off. She produced a crumpled piece of paper from he pocket and unfolded it on the counter, using a shot glass as a paperweight. It appeared to be a list of some sort. "My Grand Scheme!" She waited expectantly as Tifa read the contents of the paper.

1. Get Cloud to take a day off.

2. Get Vincent to smile.

3. Get Cid to go a whole day without having a cigarette.

4. Get Barret to go a whole day without swearing.

5. Get Cloud to answer his phone.

6. Get Vincent to answer his phone.

"Well?" Yuffie asked as Tifa looked up. "What do you think? Will you help? 'Cause number seven on my list was 'Get Tifa to help out', you know." She had an eager, hopeful grin on her face, and Tifa couldn't bring herself to say no. And besides, it wasn't like she had anything better to do.

Wondering whether she'd eventually regret this, Tifa nodded. "Sure, I'll help you out." She handed the list back to the ecstatic ninja. "One question: Why are you so intent on doing this?"

For a moment, Yuffie's was quiet as she thought about this. "Well," She said finally. "I guess it's 'cause I want to make the world a better place and spread peace, happiness, and free materia to everyone, and completely eliminate poverty, crime, and war for ever and ever."

She sighed blissfully; unaware of the fact that Tifa was staring at her in shock. Finally, she caught on. "Hey, what's with the look? Did you think I was serious? I only wanna see if it'll work, that's all."

Tifa heaved a sigh of relief. "So what do we do first?" She asked. "Some of these are going to be pretty hard." And even that was an understatement, she added in her head.

A devious look formed on the ninja's face. "Don't worry." She said. "I've got a plan."

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Ok, so that was a pretty weak ending. If you've got any suggestions for other things that should be on the list, please let me know via reviews. And speaking of reviews, those are nice things to have, you know… hint hint wink wink nudge nudge 


	2. WARNING: Contents may contain Fluff

**A/N:** The last chapter was really short, so I'll try to make up for it with this one…

Oh, and for any of you who are on Typo Patrol, knock yourselves right on out. Spell Check might be one of the greatest inventions of all time, but it isn't fool proof, and neither am I.

* * *

**Chapter Two**: WARNING: Contents may contain fluff.

* * *

The two occupants of the Seventh Heaven bar were seated at a table in the back, huddled over a rumpled sheet of paper and whispering together like kids at a sleepover. 

"I don't think we should do these in order." Tifa was saying. "We should eliminate the easier ones first, and then move on to the others." The list they'd been scrutinizing for the last hour was on the table between them, with the objectives they planned to tackle first underlined with a pencil.

Yuffie rotated the paper so that she wouldn't have to read upside down, and took a drink from her glass. It was non-alcoholic, obviously, since Tifa knew that her partner in crime was underage. Besides, the only thing worse than a hyper Yuffie would be a _drunk_ hyper Yuffie, and that was something that Tifa hoped she'd never have to see. And she was determined not to be the cause of it either.

"Right." Yuffie nodded decisively. "We should start with 'Get Cloud to answer his phone.' Or maybe we could try it with Vincent." She tapped her feet rapidly on the floor, causing Tifa to take a deep breath and remind herself to stay calm. "These are all going to be pretty tough, you know. 'Cause Vincent isn't going to answer his phone if he thinks _I'm_ calling. I wonder why? It's not like I call him a lot, or anything… well, I sort of do. Hey, Tifa, is calling someone five times a week considered a lot?"

Tifa, who had given up trying to follow the rapid chatter after the first few sentences, came up with "Maybe", a suitably ambiguous answer, and continued to let the words wash over her.

"He also says that I talk too much. Do I talk too much?" Yuffie seemed shocked that anyone would think something like that. "Actually, Cid said the same thing. He also said that I gave him a headache, which is really strange, since being on his ship gives me a headache. I wonder if he's getting airsick?"

_And two hours ago, I was complaining about how it was too quiet in here._ Tifa thought as Yuffie prattled on about absolutely nothing.

Although she wasn't technically bored anymore, Tifa was beginning to have some doubts about the logic behind this. Her friends and colleagues were very set in their ways, and the efforts of a barkeep and a ninja weren't going to make that much of an impression on any of the people on the list. But it was a way to pass the time, and that was all that mattered at this point. To Tifa, anything was preferable to dying of boredom, at least until she found something worthwhile to do.

Focusing herself back on the task at hand, Tifa began to go through their options. "Well, I know Cloud's number…" Tifa trailed off, trying to remember the last time she'd called him. He never picked up, so she'd given up. "But I think Vincent had his changed before he disappeared off into… wherever it is he goes." She continued with a small smile.

After the disastrous New Year's Eve party the bar had hosted the year before, Tifa really couldn't blame the ex-turk for going into hiding for a while. Who would have thought that he had such a low tolerance for alcohol?

Yuffie dismissed this with a wave of her hand. "Oh, I know what it is, don't worry." Despite this statement, Tifa _did_ worry. "I think we should call Cloud first, since he's probably almost done with work by now."

With a feeling of surprise, Tifa glanced at the clock that hung on the wall, realizing that unless he was running late, Cloud would be home in a couple of hours. That didn't leave them much time to put their plan in motion.

The two of them headed up the stairs into the makeshift 'office' and headquarters for Strife Delivery Service. The desk was cluttered as usual, with forms, bills, and miscellaneous papers in random heaps and stacks. Amid all of this chaos, the phone sat half-buried under a three-month-old fragment of newspaper.

Heaving a sigh, Tifa pushed some papers to the side, and lifted the phone to a precarious position on top of the clutter. It was in danger of falling to the floor, but at least it was in easy reach now. She picked up the receiver, and began to dial the number. "Wait a minute." She stopped, hand poised over the buttons. "What are we going to say if he picks up?"

Yuffie shrugged, something she did quite often. "I dunno. Maybe you could ask him out." She grinned at the shocked look on Tifa's face, which was accompanied by a rapidly spreading blush. "You know you want to! Besides, he'd probably fall right off that bike of his in surprise."

Feeling the blood rushing to her face, Tifa began to stammer "I…I don't think that would work." She said lamely. "The guy is supposed to ask the girl out, not the other way around."

A look of sudden understanding dawned on Yuffie's face. "Ohhh…" she nodded sagely. "Maybe that's why Vincent always hangs up on me when I ask him." She said this as though it was completely natural, like commenting on how blue the sky was that day, or remarking on the fact that Tifa's eyes had just gone wide with shock.

Tifa managed to turn her exclamation of surprise into a coughing fit, and Yuffie patted her on the back, totally oblivious. "You ok?" She asked anxiously. "Want some water?"

"No…" Tifa gasped. "I'm fine. Let's get this going." She finished dialing the number, and put the call on speakerphone so Yuffie could hear too. It rang once, twice, three times…paused, and then started ringing again. Tifa lost count of the rings and the minutes, tapping her fingers on the table impatiently. _What is the point of having a phone,_ she thought, _if you can't even bother to answer it?_ She was about to hang up, when there was a click from the other end. And instead of going to voicemail, she heard a voice.

"Hello?" From the other end came the sound of wind rushing past the receiver, causing a rush of static that partially distorted the words. "Tifa?"

Cloud sounded slightly surprised, but nowhere near as surprised as Tifa and Yuffie were.

"_Ask him!_" Yuffie whispered eagerly, her hands clasped together. She was all but jumping up and down in anticipation. "_Ask him!_" Tifa waved for her to be quiet. Then, taking a deep breath and wondering for the second time that day whether she would come to regret the action she was about to take, she asked her question before she could change her mind.

"Cloud… I know that this is kind of short notice, but… would you like to go somewhere for supper tonight?" Tifa could barely believe that she had actually said that. What was she thinking? Had she even been thinking at all? Next to her, Yuffie had progressed to jumping up and down with silent glee.

There was a moment of silence from the other end, and Tifa was afraid that Cloud had hung up. But finally, he said, "Sure. Where were you thinking?"

With relief rushing through her, Tifa named a restaurant a few blocks away, and Cloud agreed to meet her there for supper, saying he might be a little late due to all of the extra deliveries he still had to make, and asked her not to wait around for him. With a feeling of surrealism, Tifa said goodbye and hung up the phone, nearly missing the cradle by several inches.

"IT WORKED!" Yuffie squealed the instant the receiver was out of Tifa's hands. "I told you so! Well, that's objective number five completed!" Laying the list out on a somewhat level stack of papers, Yuffie scratched a line through the words _'5. Get Cloud to answer his phone.' _"Now what? Should we move on to Vincent?" She stuffed the list back into her pocket, and waited for Tifa's reply.

Only half-hearing the words, Tifa nodded. "Sure… go ahead." But she caught Yuffie's hand as the ninja was reaching for the receiver, and picked up the phone herself. "But first, I need to make some reservations."

* * *

Ok, so that wasn't so bad, was it? And it was longer too, right? Well, depending on who you are, that might not be such a good thing. 

Just kidding.

Thanks to those who reviewed. You know who you are.


	3. Wrong Number

**A/N: **Well, here it is, the third chapter. Applaud, already.

And, moving on to Vincent Valentine. Hopefully.

Hey, there's a cameo in this chapter. See if you can guess who it is!

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**Chapter 3: **Wrong Number

* * *

For a brief moment, Tifa wondered if she was still sane. Considering the fact that she had just called up Cloud, practically on a dare, and asked him out for supper, she had the feeling that she was not sane in the least. Oh well. There was no way to go back now, and she actually felt glad that she'd done it.

But it didn't help that Yuffie was still going on about it.

"If you don't mind my saying, I think that the two of you'd make a really cute couple." Yuffie was sitting on top of the desk, swinging her legs back and forth. "Really, you would. Except for the fact that Cloud is such a grump all the time. You know who else is?"

Tifa pretended to think for a moment. "Hmm…no, but I'm sure you're going to tell me." She had started cleaning off the desk, and then realized that there really wasn't a point to it, since it would just be cluttered up again in a few days.

Nodding vigorously, Yuffie continued her rant, and Tifa mentally added 'sarcasm' to the list of things that Yuffie was completely oblivious to. "Rude is always grumpy. And Vinny too. And Cid. You know what? I know a lot of really grumpy people. I think it might be some sort of disease, or something, since so many people have it. Speaking of diseases, I heard that there's this virus that makes you lose your voice. That would be just awful." She shuddered at the thought of such a terrible fate, causing a relatively small stack of papers to cascade to the floor. "Oops."

Contemplating Yuffie catching such a virus was a very pleasing mental picture. With a brief smile, Tifa asked, "So. Should we try to call Vincent?"

She felt sorry for Vincent, who would have no idea of what was coming. She also realized that it would be a long time before he'd answer any calls from this number.

"Heck yes! Gimme the phone!" Yuffie hopped down off of the desk, and snatched up the phone before Tifa could even move. "Lets see… oh, yeah. I remember." Quickly, the ninja punched in the number, and likewise put the call on speaker. Kneeling on the swivel chair, Yuffie spun around and around while the phone rang. "This chair is really fun. If I was Cloud, I'd just sit here all day and spin arooooooouuuuuunnnnnnnddddd!!" There was a loud thud as Yuffie fell backwards out of the chair and onto the floor. "I'm OK!"

Just then, an unfamiliar voice came through the speakers as someone answered the phone. "I'm warning you Maes, if you're calling to continue your rant, then I'm hanging up right now. I don't have time for this." In the background, several people laughed.

Tifa and Yuffie shared a confused look. "Um…Hello? Who are you?" Tifa asked, bending down closer to the speakers. "Is Vincent Valentine there?"

"Who are _you_?" The man retorted. "And how did you get this number?" He sounded more than a little pissed off. "I have had it with you damn prank callers! If that pipsqueak put you up to this, I'll flame him so bad his own _brother_ won't even recognize him!" Faint cheers could be heard following this statement, along with more laughter. Apparently, they had called in the middle of a feud, or something. "Do you understand?"

Make that _extremely _pissed off, Tifa decided. She winced in pain as the angry shout left her ears ringing. "Wrong number," she told him crossly, slamming the phone down. "Bastard."

"Like I said," Yuffie put in, still on the floor. "The world is full of grumpy people. That guy had some serious problems. I wonder how we ended up talking to him? I must have gotten the number wrong. Or maybe Vinny changed it. Yeah, that's probably it." She got to her feet, and sat back down on the chair again. "Should we redial it and see if we get Vincent, just in case?"

Yuffie rattled off the numbers far too fast for Tifa to punch them in, and the ninja was forced to repeat herself. "He really should have an easier number," Yuffie remarked. "It's so hard to remember." She put her feet up on the desk.

"Hm, I wonder why?" Tifa asked sarcastically as the phone began to ring again. Personally, she was glad that she didn't have a cell phone. It limited the number of ways that Yuffie could annoy her. It suddenly occurred to Tifa that she might have stumbled upon the reason why Cloud never answered his phone.

The phone was still ringing. Surely someone would have picked up by now, of at least it would have gone to voicemail. "He's not going to answer," Tifa predicted.

As though to prove her wrong, the ringing finally stopped. "Who's this?" Vincent sounded wary, as though he already suspected who the caller was. "Cloud?"

"Surprise! It's me, Yuffie!" she squealed before Tifa could get a word in, spinning around in the swivel chair again. "Hi Vinny!" Tifa wondered how the girl could be this happy while torturing someone. Ignorance? Maybe.

There was a sigh of resignation from the other end. "What do _you_ want?" The ex-turk asked with obvious displeasure. Tifa winced; didn't he know how dangerous it was to ask Yuffie that question? It might set her off on an hour-long rant, or at the very least produce a string of mindless chatter.

There was a broad grin on Yuffie's face as she propped her feet up on the desk, and began twisting the ends of her headband around her fingers. "Nothing, really. There's just something I wanted to ask you." More papers slid to the floor, but Yuffie either didn't notice or didn't care. Probably both.

"No." Vincent said, without even waiting for her to finish. "Not under any circumstances."

A frown appeared on Yuffie's face. "But Vin-ny," She whined, folding her arms across her chest. "You haven't even heard what I have to say yet. That isn't fair." One of her frequent mood swings hit, and she was instantly smiling again. "So…here's my question. Well, first, I want to say that I'm asking 'cause of something Tifa just did…"

Tifa made a wild grab for the phone, but Yuffie leapt up from the chair and onto the desk, taking the phone with her. She promptly knocked the rest of the papers to the floor in her struggle to evade Tifa's hands.

Since Yuffie had picked the phone up, Tifa couldn't hear Vincent's response, but Yuffie giggled. "Of course not, chocobo brain." She chortled. "Anyway, she just called Cloud, and-" Tifa made another attempt for the phone, but Yuffie jumped out of the way again; All of that energy was coming in handy. "-and asked him to-" she had to dodge another lunge, and landed on top of an (empty) filing cabinet in the corner. "Tifa asked Cloud out on a date." Yuffie finally managed to say, secure on her perch atop the cabinet.

"Yuffie!" Tifa cried in exasperation. "Why'd you tell him that?" Knowing Vincent, he probably wouldn't tell anyone, but the fact that Yuffie had snitched so readily was a reason to worry. Putting her hands on her hips, Tifa glared up at the ninja on the fining cabinet.

Yuffie rolled over onto her back, and braced her feet against the ceiling. "Yup. He sure did," She said, addressing Vincent. "They're going out for supper tonight." There was a long silence. "Vinny?" Yuffie ventured cautiously. "Will _you_ go out with _me_?"

Despite the fact that speakerphone was off, Tifa could clearly hear Vincent's more than emphatic response:

"**Hell no!**"

Yuffie held the phone away from her ear, and shook her finger at it. "You're a very mean person, you know that?" She scolded angrily. "You oughta be ashamed of yourself, Vincent Valentine!" Her only reply was the dial tone. "Hhmph." She sniffed as she climbed back down to the floor. "Some people."

Meeting Tifa's eyes, Yuffie noticed the furious glare on her face. "What did _I _do?" She protested. "All I did was-"

"Forget it." Tifa sighed, something she'd been doing quite a bit that day. "I give up. What's next on the list?"

Digging the scrap of paper out of her pocket, Yuffie carefully scribbled a line through the words '_6. Get Vincent to answer his phone._' Then, she tucked the pencil behind her ear, and scanned the rest of the list. "Hmmm… I think we should take number three: '_Get Cid to go a whole day without having a cigarette._' I heard he was in town, so this would be our best opportunity, right?"

She looked expectantly at Tifa. "Sure, why not? It's as good as any." Turning to leave, Tifa stopped in the doorway. " Why don't you give him a call, and see if he'll come over? It's almost happy hour, so he shouldn't need much convincing."

A knock sounded at the door, and Tifa ran down the stairs to see whom it was. _Customer! _She thought in elation. _It's about time!_

However, when she saw just who her customers were, she nearly turned around and headed back to the office.

Because as much as Yuffie annoyed her, Tifa had to admit that Reno was a close second.

* * *

Yay, that's my third and last chapter for today, 'cause I have to do my homework still. Bloody school.

Anyway, Reno showed up at the request of a friend of mine, **exturk**, who has added something to the list:

**7. Get Reno a girlfriend.**

Chapter 4 will be up when it is up. Bye now, and thanks for your reviews.


	4. The Turk is a Jerk: Hey, that Rhymes!

**A/N:** Well… _somebody_ got it… kudos to **Lt. Commander Richie.**

Yes, the cameo in the last chapter _was_ Colonel Roy Mustang from Fullmetal Alchemist, and yes, it was extremely obvious. But I just couldn't resist.

**Note**: I know that _Advent Children_ has been out for, like, two years now, but some people still haven't seen it. So, here's a spoiler warning, if you haven't seen the movie: **Slight ****Spoilers ahead.**

**Further note: **This chapter is kind of short. Sorry.

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**­­­­­­Chapter Four: **Reno the Turk is such a Jerk. (Hey, that rhymes!!)

* * *

Tifa eyed her newest customer with obvious displeasure. Sure, Reno and Rude had helped them out a few months ago with the whole Sephiroth-and-a-few-of-his-clones-coming-back-and-wreaking-vengance-on-Cloud-and-the-rest-of-creation-in-general thing, but that still didn't erase the fact that the Turks had also been trying to kill them not that long ago.

And combined with the fact that Reno was just plain annoying, the answer was simple: Tifa didn't really want him around. Besides, he was bad for business.

"What's wrong?" Reno asked as Tifa let him in. "Aren't you happy to see me? I'm hurt." He made puppy dog eyes at her, and then ducked to avoid what would have been a stinging slap across the face. "Ok, ok, I get the picture."

Yuffie came bounding down the steps, saying, "Right, so I called Cid and he told me to buzz off. I wonder why people always do that when I call them?" She noticed Reno, and gave him a quizzical look. "What're you doing here?" She asked. It was clear that she had absolutely no idea of who Reno was. "You look kind of familiar…"

With a shrug, Reno slid into a chair at a vacant table. "Business is booming, I see." He remarked snidely, tapping his fingers on the table. He'd come unarmed, which was a good sign. A confusing sign, but a good one.

"Reno, if you've got nothing to say and nothing to buy-" Tifa began threateningly, but the Turk held up his hands.

"Just relax, Tif. I just need some advice." Tifa clenched her fists, imagining with extreme pleasure that they were closed around Reno's throat. She _hated_ that nickname. Anyone with the slightest amount of brains would never even have _dreamed_ of stepping that far over the line, but brains were never something that Reno had had any claim to.

Forcing herself to stay calm, and managing to keep herself from leaping across the table and throttling Reno, Tifa took a deep breath. "What kind of advice?" She asked cautiously, not too sure that she wanted to hear the answer. After all, Reno was Reno. For all Tifa knew, he could be planning to ask her advice about anything from his love life to the best way to make chocobo noodle soup.

"My girlfriend dumped me." Reno said morosely, picking at an imagined spot on the table. "This morning."

_Well, _Tifa thought wryly, _Guess he's not here for the soup._ "What do you expect me to do about it?" She asked aloud.

"You could go out with him," Yuffie suggested. But before either Reno or Tifa could offer up their various opinions on the subject, the ninja slapped her forehead, and laughed. "Silly me," she giggled. "I forgot. Tifa's going out with Cloud tonight." For the second time that day, Tifa felt like

Reno's jaw dropped. "Seriously?" He gasped, the corner of his mouth beginning to twitch with suppressed laughter. "She's actually going out with the walking talking self-pity case?" He paused. "Well, maybe not a walking _talking_ self-pity case, but still. Strife? Seriously?"

When Tifa nodded, Reno was unable to contain himself any longer. He began laughing so hard that tears ran down his cheeks. "That's just great." he wheezed, slapping the table. "Oh man, wait 'till I tell Rude…"

"You'll do no such thing." Tifa barked, slamming her hands down on the table, causing Reno to jump. "It's bad enough that Yuffie already told Vincent-"

Reno burst out laughing a second time. "Yet another walking, _not_ talking self-pity case." He managed to say between bursts of laughter. "Don't tell me you're going out with _him_ too."

This time, Tifa really _did_ slap him. Hard. The Turk gingerly touched the welt forming on his cheek, and glared at his antagonist. "Hey, I was just joking around." he all but whined. "There's no need to go all psycho on me."

Yuffie giggled. "Yeah, '_Tif._ You tell him." Fortunately for Yuffie, Tifa could only deal with one annoyance at a time, and she chose Reno. He was closer, and he couldn't move as fast as the ninja could.

"I have every right to 'Go all psycho on you'." Tifa retorted. "And as for your girlfriend problems, take them somewhere else. Because frankly, I don't care." Reno looked shocked. Then hurt. Then shocked again.

"Or, you could just ask Elena out," Yuffie suggested innocently. Reno paled, the look in his eyes saying plainer than words that he'd rather fight off an entire boatload of Tonberrys rather than take the terrible risk of asking Elena to go on a date with him.

Tifa smirked; finally, something they'd said had finally made it through all of that red hair and the thick skull to Reno's brain. "Yeah, I'm sure she'd _love_ it if you asked her." She said with a wicked smile. "Why don't I call her right now?"

She began walking in the general direction of the office phone, realizing with slight regret that having a cellphone would have made this moment all the more dramatic. But it wasn't needed. Reno jumped hastily from his chair, knocking it over in the process.

"Thanks, but no thanks, Tif. I've gotta run. The Boss needs me to…uh… run some…errands…for him…" He tried to pick the chair up, knocked it over again, swore at it, and finally just gave up and dashed for the door. He slammed it shut with such force that his trailing ponytail was nearly trapped in it, and raced off down the street.

Yuffie yawned. "That was fun." She said brightly.

"You're right," Tifa realized. "It was. A great way to relieve stress, too." She stretched, and sighed. "So, what did Cid have to say?" During the argument with Reno, she'd completely forgotten what Yuffie had said.

The ninja shrugged. "Oh, well, he didn't want to come by at first, but then I told him that you and Cloud were going on a date, and he asked whether or not there'd be free drinks to celebrate 'Strife finally getting a girl', and I didn't know so I just said 'yeah.' He said he was on his way over." She took a deep breath, and continued.

"I didn't know if you were actually giving out free drinks, but it seemed like a good idea. I wonder whether Reno is actually going to ask Elena to be his girlfriend. Should I call Vincent again? I've never been on a date before, you know."

Her head spinning, Tifa managed to count four topic changes in that one long rant. Then, something registered.

"You told _Cid_?" She croaked, steadying herself by grabbing onto one of the stools. "And you said we were giving out free beer?"

Yuffie nodded brightly. "Was that the right thing to do?" She wondered naively.

"We're going on a date, Yuffie." Tifa said slowly. "We're not getting married. That means no free beer, no cake, and no party." The ninja's face fell, but brightened again immediately.

"So when _are _you getting married?" She asked, hands on her hips. "Cause if you don't invite me, I'm gonna have to gate-crash."

Throwing her hands in the air, Tifa gave up entirely.

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Thank you to all of you who reviewed. You know who you are, but what you probably _don't _know is that your feedback is greatly appreciated. Thank you again.

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	5. Lime Green Shoelaces

**A/N**: Wow. I never thought that this would make it to chapter 5. I'm shocked, actually, since I…gulp am really bad at finishing what I start. Well, sorta.

(Note: This was written in lieu of doing AP History homework, and very late at night to boot… It's definitely got more slapstick humor than the last four chapters did. Literally.)

* * *

**Chapter Five: Lime Green Shoelaces**

* * *

The victory with Reno had left Tifa feeling as though she could do anything. Normally, she would have remembered that feelings like that were quite dangerous, but she really wasn't paying attention, since Yuffie was still talking.

The topic had moved from whether or not she'd be invited to Tifa and Cloud's supposed wedding, to her favorite kind of cake, to what she'd done on her last birthday, to her favorite color, and had finally ended up with Yuffie prattling on about her shoelaces, of all things.

"I got them in Costa del Sol," She said proudly, displaying the neon green laces fastening her thigh-high boots. "They were really cheap, and I thought, 'Well, I've never had neon green shoelaces before, and-"

Tifa thumped Yuffie on the head with her fist, and the ninja was knocked unconscious in mid-sentence. As I said, Tifa was feeling impulsive at the moment. On the floor, Yuffie began to snore slightly.

For the first time since the ninja had proposed the plan to Tifa, the bar was utterly silent. Deciding to take in the moment of peace, Tifa closed her eyes, and took a deep breath.

And at that moment, the silence was shattered.

"Tifa! You and Strife really goin' out?" Cid literally burst through the door, causing it to collide with the wall and rebound, crashing back into its frame with a sound like a gunshot. "And what's this I hear about free drinks?"

Tifa buried her head in her arms. _Is there anyone in this city who DOESN'T know? _She wondered dismally. Her question was soon answered for here.

"So, Barret and I've got this runnin' bet on how long you guys'll stay together." Cid continued, stepping over Yuffie without a second thought and seating himself at the bar. "Current wager is 50 gil on four days. That's my opinion, by the way. Barret didn't give you guys twenty-four hours."

_Nope. Guess everybody knows._ Tifa thought morosely. She decided that, since Vincent, Reno, Yuffie, Barret, Cid, and likely Rude and the rest of the Turks knew about her and Cloud, she'd just give up trying to keep it a secret. That didn't mean she wasn't pissed about it.

"Cid." She growled through clenched teeth. "Do you see anything on the floor?"

Looking down, the pilot shrugged. "The crazy ninja chick is down there," he said dismissively. "Whadda ya getting' at?"

A dangerous look had appeared in Tifa's eyes. Cid gulped nervously. "She's down there," Tifa said slowly, "Because she wouldn't shut up. Am I clear?"

"Crystal." Cid mimed locking his mouth shut and throwing away the key. "So. Strife finally asked you, huh?"

Sitting down beside the pilot, Tifa reminded herself again that thumping people on the head was not always the right approach to take. It was a very hard thing to keep in mind when there were so many people she wanted to hit at the moment. "No. I asked him." She said firmly. As Cid's jaw fell open, she added, "Now, will you just drop it?"

Cid pulled out his ever-present pack of cigarettes, tapped the bottom, and pulled one out. "Sure, Tif. Make sure and tell me how it goes, alright?" He began digging around in one of his coat pockets for a lighter.

Suddenly, Tifa remembered the Grand Scheme, and snatched the cigarette out of Cid's hands. "No Smoking." She said firmly as Cid protested indignantly.

"I don't see no 'No Smoking' sign," Cid countered, drawing another cigarette from the pack. Tifa snatched that one too, along with those remaining in the pack.

"I bet you can't go one whole day without these." Tifa said slyly, holding the pack up.

Cid made a grab for them. "Of course I can," he growled. "Just give 'em back, and I'll prove it to you." He shouted, not really pleading, but not far from it.

Tifa just put the cigarettes in her pockets. "So you think you can do it, do you?" she asked again. "Think you can actually go a whole day without smoking a single cigarette?"

Cid nodded.

"Fine." Tifa said with a smile. Cid grinned too, sure that he was going to get his cancer-sticks back. But he had another think coming. "Prove it."

Cid slumped in his chair.

On the floor, Yuffie suddenly sat bolt upright. "-thought that they'd be kind of pretty, so I bought 'em, and yeah, they're kind cool." She smiled up at Tifa. "Hi!" She said cheerfully. "When'd you get here?"

Looking to Tifa for an explanation, Cid scratched his head. "What the hell is she going on about now?" he demanded, glancing down at the happily oblivious ninja, who didn't seem to care that she'd just been knocked unconscious.

"I think she's still talking about her shoelaces." Tifa said, in a slight daze. "That's what she was talking about before I knocked her out. She just…picked up right where she left off." It was true-Yuffie didn't seem to realize that she'd been knocked out, and continued to rant about her shoelaces, the fact that her head hurt, and how, from her current position, she could see some gum on the bottom of one of Cid's shoe.

With a groan, the pilot buried his head in his hands. "I want a smoke." He said miserably.

Tifa failed to feel sympathetic. "You haven't been with her all day." She put in. "I think that getting knocked out just scrambled her brains a bit more then they already were."

As if to prove Tifa right, Yuffie chose that moment to start singing.

* * *

Well, there you have it. Sorry about the lack of updating for the past few days, but my cruel and evil teachers have given me so much homework that I don't know what to do with myself, or it. But hey, that's life.

I feel like doing a shout out to all of the nice people who reviewed:

**FinalFantasyFreak1234, a.girl.named.jake, exturk, Lt. Commander Richie, Matamis-bata, NRGburst, jason k lee, TexMex, **and **monitorscreen. **

You are all awesome people. :)


	6. The One with Cid being Mean

**A/N:** This chapter is longer, I think.

Thank you for all of the luvverly reviews. You people are very nice.

Now give me more, or I will eat you.

* * *

**Chapter Six: The one with Cid being mean… **

* * *

"Plot, huh?" Cid asked, taking a long drink. It'd only been a half hour, but he'd already started to feel the effects of going without his cigarettes. In response to this, he'd started drinking. When he started feeling a bit tipsy, he wished for a cigarette, and immediately started drinking again when he remembered that he didn't have one. 

Tifa felt that she should stop this vicious cycle, but Cid was paying good Gil for his alcohol, and he _was_ a customer after all. In the meantime, she'd filled him in on the plot. She figured that Cid might be able to help out a bit, seeing as how he had countless numbers of 'connections'.

"Yep." Tifa affirmed, finally deciding that enough was enough and taking away Cid's glass. "Yuffie came up with it…"

Tifa and Cid eyed Yuffie with apprehension. She was quiet for now…but sooner or later, she'd start up again, and who knew what would happen then?

"I think you gave her a concussion." Cid whispered, giving the ninja a wary look. She was building a house of cards on the floor, humming quietly to herself.

"I mean, she's always been… y'know… weird…but this is strange, even for Yuffie."

Tifa thought that he might be right. After all, she did hit pretty hard, and the ninja was behaving more oddly than usual. "What should we do?" she whispered back.

"Distract her." Cid said with a slightly wicked grin. "Think about it: what's the one thing that could take her mind off of… whatever it's generally on?" He paused, obviously waiting for Tifa to come up with the answer he had in mind.

Finally, she did. "Cid, you're really cruel, you know that?" She asked, putting her hands on her hips and fixing the pilot with a glare. "How'd you like it if somebody did that to you?"

Highwind shrugged. "Don't know, don't care. All I know is, it'll keep Crazy down there out of our hair for a while."

Tifa looked him up and down. "You're really drunk, aren't you?" She asked.

"Getting' there." Cid responded. "Now… how about it? Should we make the call?"

For the second time that day, Tifa just gave up. "Make the call." She said resignedly. "But you can deal with the consequences, since it was your idea after all."

Cid just gave her another evil grin, making it very clear that he didn't give a damn about the consequences, whatever they might be. Taking Tifa's statement to mean 'yes', he quickly outlined his plan of attack.

* * *

(ooh... a scene change... that's so high-tech...)

* * *

"Alright." He said, holding up the phone. "All I've gotta do is hit redial, right?" 

Tifa, who was holding onto Yuffie's arm to keep the ninja in the room, nodded. "Let's make this quick, OK?" She pleaded. She'd never liked prank calls, and even though this didn't quite fall under the category, it was still a cruel trick to play.

"Hey, what's goin' on?" Yuffie asked cheerfully. "Who're we calling?"

"You'll find out soon enough, kiddo." Cid pressed the button, put the phone on speaker, and waited. It rang a few times, and then, surprisingly, someone picked up.

"Hello?" There was a fair amount of trepidation in Vincent's voice. Tifa was surprised that he'd even picked up the phone in the first place, considering what had happened the last time… Sensing a shriek coming on, Tifa clapped her hand over Yuffie's mouth.

"Heya, Vincent." Cid said, giving Tifa a wink. "It's Cid." They heard a sigh of relief from the other end.

"For I minute, I thought…" Vincent began. Then he stopped, and Tifa could imagine him shuddering. "It doesn't matter. What is it?"

Cid, who had started to laugh silently, took a few minutes to compose himself, and then said, "We- that is, Tifa and I- have run into a little problem. She's got her date with Strife, and I've got some work to do. That means there's no one to watch the bar tonight."

Vincent was silent for a few moments as he thought it over. "So…Yuffie's not there anymore?" He ventured cautiously. Yuffie made a few muffled attempts at speech, saying something that sounded like 'VINNIE!!', but Tifa kept her hand firmly on the ninja's mouth.

Cid grinned, unable to believe how easy this was going to be. "Nope. Long gone." He had to concentrate to keep from bursting into laughter.

Vincent sighed. "What do you want me to do?" he asked resignedly.

_Too easy,_ Cid decided as he told Vincent what he needed. "Just get here around… em… five-ish… I dunno when Tifa and Strife are plannin' on being home…" He made himself deliberately vague.

"Fine." Vincent said. There was a long pause. "You're sure that you-know-who isn't there?"

"Absolutely sure." Cid promised solemnly. "See ya, Vincent." He hung up the phone, and immediately burst out laughing. "I had no idea he was so gullible," he wheezed, clutching the desk for support as he wiped tears of mirth from his eyes.

Tifa frowned at him in disapproval. "I still don't think that it was very fair." She said.

"MMPHMM!!" Yuffie said pointedly. Tifa remembered that she was still covering the ninja's mouth, and let go.

"Thanks a lot," Yuffie said huffily. "What was that for? I could've been quiet."

This statement made Cid laugh even harder. "Yeah right." He scoffed. "I bet you can't keep your mouth shut for one minute."

"Can too." Yuffie stuck out her tongue. "I just don't want to, that's all." She shut her mouth tightly, and began watching the clock, counting on her fingers.

After exactly sixty seconds, she burst out, "SEE! I TOLD YOU SO!"

Tifa and Cid covered their ears and winced. "Look, Yuffie." Tifa said, a plan coming to her. "Y'think you could be quiet for… five minutes?"

The ninja nodded. "Sure." She said. "Easy as pie."

"How about… ten minutes? Fifteen? Twenty? Thirty?" Receiving a nod after each one, Tifa pressed on. "So, you think you could remain absolutely quiet for an entire half hour?"

Yuffie hesitated. "Umm… sure… I could do it. I can totally be quiet for… thirty minutes." She sounded unsure of herself.

"Good." Cid said. "Then do it. It's four thirty, and we need to… get ready…"

* * *

**A/N**: To be continued… (Dun dun dunnnnhhh….) 

_Coming up next: _Poor Vincent…. (Insert evil laugh here.)


	7. BarSitting, Part 1: Evil Plan is Working

**A/N: **This will be a two-part chapter, partially because it would be really long otherwise, and partly because suspense is nice. Boo-yah.

Anyway, here's Chapter Seven…

**

* * *

****Chapter Seven: Bar-sitting, Part one.****

* * *

**

Cid's idea of 'preparation' was to lock Yuffie in a closet. The ninja, who was still trying the 'no talking for a half hour' thing, didn't make a single noise as the pilot shoved her into the cramped cupboard, and told her to stay there.

Yuffie gave him the thumbs up sign, and he slammed the door, leaving her alone in the dark with the mop.

"Well, that's taken care of." Cid said, dusting off his hands. He pulled out one of the bar stools, and sat down. "Aah…" He noticed Tifa giving him a Look, and managed to look indignant. "What? What did I do?"

"Let me see…" Tifa pretended to think it over. "You locked Yuffie in a closet, and are about to play an extremely mean trick on Vincent. What else?"

Cid shrugged, reaching for a pack of cigarettes that weren't there. He swore, remembering that he'd given them up for the day. It hadn't been that long, but his hands were already starting to shake. "Hey, relax." He said lightly. "Look, I gotta do something to get my mind off of havin' a smoke. This was the best thing I could think of."

He gave Tifa what could only be described as a purely evil grin. "Besides," He added. "I think that leaving the two of them alone together could be interesting."

Tifa rubbed her forehead. She was developing a splitting headache. "I'm not even going ask what you're implying." She said, thinking over the possibilities.

In her mind, she imagined coming home to find bullet holes everywhere, Vincent either gone or hiding under a table, and Yuffie helping herself to the alcoholic contents of the establishment. _Not a pretty picture,_ she thought with a grimace.

"What's with the face?" Cid asked, noticing her scowl. "You're going on a date tonight! Sure, it's with Cloud, but how bad can it be? I mean, he's not all that bad looking, and- what?"

Tifa shook her head. " I can't _believe_ we're having this conversation." She said, giving Cid a strange look. She got up to leave, making the excuse that she had to 'get ready'.

Cid watched her go. "What the hell is _that_ supposed to mean?" he asked in confusion. "What's wrong with this conversation?"

He received no answer.

* * *

Cid tapped his fingers rapidly on the polished countertop. He started to whistle tunelessly, still tapping his fingers. The whistling grew louder, and then broke off entirely.

"Screw this." He growled. "I'm having a smoke." He hopped over the counter, and tried to remember where Tifa had put the pack of cigarettes after she'd so cruelly taken them from him.

"Think, Highwind. Think." He muttered to himself, opening drawers and shifting papers. "If I were Tifa, where would I stash…stuff?"

After a few moments of searching, he sat down on the floor in dismay when he remembered that Tifa had stuck the pack of cigarettes in her pocket.

However…his position on the floor put him eye-level with some nice-looking bottles of vintage wine, clearly some of the more expensive stock.

Normally, he'd be tempted to take it, but he was more of a beer man. And he didn't _really_ want to steal from Tifa…

Then again, Tifa had his cigarettes.

It never occurred to Cid that he could always just go around the corner and buy more cigarettes. In this, he and Yuffie were similar: they both had one-track minds, and it took a lot of effort to get their minds off of that track. He pulled one of the bottles from the rack, and realized that he didn't have a corkscrew.

"Damn!" He hissed. He heard Tifa's footsteps coming back down the stairs, so he just stashed the bottle underneath his coat, and just barely managed to get back in his seat on the right side of the bar when Tifa entered the room.

Cid looked at her in amazement. "Wow…" He said. "You're wearing… a dress? Looks good." He said awkwardly.

Tifa blushed slightly. "Yeah, well…" she said with equal awkwardness. "Like you said, it's a date, right?" She hadn't worn a dress in a long time- it really wasn't her thing. After all, it was hard to kick somebody's ass in a skirt. She'd totally forgotten why she had this dress, but it seemed to fit, so she was wearing it.

"Anyway, I've gotta go." She said, glancing at the clock. The reservation was for six o'clock, and even though it was only a quarter to five, she wanted to be sure she was on time.

Tifa also had something to do before she went to the restaurant, and she wanted to give herself a buffer zone of a half hour of so, in case things didn't go as planned.

Cid gave her a thumbs up. "Gotcha, Tif. " he said.

Halfway out the door, Tifa paused. "Oh, and Marlene should be home soon. She was at a friend's house today, and I told her to be home by six. You'll let Vincent know if she doesn't get here before he arrives?" Cid gave her another thumbs up, and she walked out the door.

She looked around, fervently hoping that she wouldn't meet anyone she knew while she was wearing this dress.

It was very pink.

* * *

As soon as she was gone, Cid pulled the bottle of wine out from under his coat. "Jackpot." He said, looking around of a corkscrew. "C'mon," he said in annoyance. "This is a bar. Were the hell are all the corkscrews?"

He began to dig through the drawers again, but was interrupted by a knock at the door. "Shit!" he swore as he jerked his head up, banging it on the underside of the counter. It was probably Valentine-what _was_ it with these people and being early?

Rubbing the already large lump on the back of his head, Cid went to the door. Sure enough, standing outside was none other than Midgar's Resident Raincloud, Vincent Valentine, who was knocking even though the door was unlocked.

Grumbling about people without enough common sense to try the door before knocking, Cid jerked it open. "You're early." He snapped, noticing just then that Vincent looked slightly dazed.

"What's wrong with you?" He snapped again, feeling like being mad at the world in general. He was suffering through what is commonly known as withdrawal, and as anyone will tell you, it's hell.

Vincent looked over his shoulder, a look of disbelief still on his face. "I may have been hallucinating, but…" he shook his head. "No, it was nothing."

"If you're gonna say it, say it." Cid said grumpily, closing the door with a deafening bang that should have shattered the glass, if luck hadn't been with him.

"Was it me, or did Tifa just walk by in a dress?" Vincent asked, gesturing at the street outside.

Cid just sighed. "Believe me," he said. "You don't want to know."

He yanked the door open. "Oh, yeah- I'm s'posed to tell you to let Marlene in when she gets here." He paused for a minute, and then added. "And don't open the closet, if you want to live to see the light of day." Then he was gone.

And so naturally, the first thing that Vincent did once Cid left was to open the closet door.

* * *

**A/N:** Well, there it was. Part Two coming soon! I'm just aposting fiend right now- this is the second chapter I've posted today!

Heh. It probably won't last.

* * *

Note to **exturk**: Can't post Attack of the Interviewer, too much to type. If I ever get un-lazy, maybe I will. Until then, tough luck.

Note to **a.girl.named.jake**: Oh, goodie. The date scene. Yes, that will be awkward, to say the least. And hopefully cute. ;)


	8. BarSitting, Part 2: Awkward Moment

**A/N: **Well, here it is. Chapter Eight, otherwise known as Chapter 7, part 2.

I was nice and didn't make you wait a horribly long time, did I?

Grovel.

Or better yet, review.

Again, this was written late at night, and there is some OOC-ness (Just a little) with both Vincent and Yuffie. That's 'cause _Yuffietine_ itself is totally implausible, in that Vinny is too busy moping about Lucrecia to fall for Yuffie. Therefore, any Yuffietine fic is naturally OOC. Whew. Rant finished now.

Also- no one is going to get drunk and do stupid things in this fic. There are too many fics like those. Nope, the characters are just going to do stupid things dead sober. :)

* * *

**Chapter 8: **Bar-Sitting, Part 2: Awkward Moment.

* * *

Vincent paused in front of the ordinary-looking closet door, listening to the odd scratching sound coming from within. He reached for the handle, and immediately thought better of it.

He pulled out Cerberus, pointed it at the door, and _then _reached for the handle.

Slowly, the door opened…to reveal Yuffie, sitting on the floor and miserably scratching at the door like a puppy that needs to go 'out'. She looked up, and Vincent cringed, waiting for the deafening shriek of "VINNIE!!" or some such nonsense that was sure to follow.

However, nothing happened. He opened one eye cautiously, and stared down at her. She pointed to her mouth, and shook her head.

"You… can't talk?" Vincent ventured hopefully. Yuffie nodded sadly, and Vincent was so overcome with joy that he nearly hugged her. Almost. He wasn't _that_ far gone. However, spending the next few hours, possibly the night, here with Yuffie would probably be more stress than he could handle, and he'd go nuts.

Unsure of what to do with this unnaturally quiet Yuffie, Vincent slowly walked back into the bar, glancing over his shoulder with every few steps. She _was_ following him. In an extremely creepy sort of way.

Still eyeing the silent ninja warily in case she was about to emit an ear-splitting shriek at any time, Vincent sat down at the bar, noticing that there was a bottle of conveniently placed wine just sitting there. Unfortunately, there was no corkscrew.

Unfortunately for anyone but Vincent, that is. One of the perks of having a giant metal claw for a hand was that letter openers and corkscrews became obsolete.

Vincent poured himself a glass of wine, still aware of Yuffie's eyes watching him intently. She pointed to the bottle, to herself, and then back to the bottle with a hopeful look in her eyes. Vincent shook his head. "No." He said firmly. The last thing he needed was drunk Yuffie. She gave him puppy dog eyes, and then pouted when this didn't work.

Vincent poured himself another glass of wine, feeling that he was going to need it.

* * *

_…Hours and hours and hours and hours later. Well, not really. That's just what it felt like…_

* * *

It was five-thirty, and Vincent Valentine was slowly going mad. Yuffie still hadn't said a single word the entire time he'd been there, and he wondered if she was sick or something. He actually found himself wishing that she'd say _something_, just to break the silence. The idea of starting a conversation himself never really occurred to him, since he was an introvert by nature.

So they just sat in silence, Vincent staring at the bottle of wine, and Yuffie staring at Vincent. Finally, the ex-turk couldn't take it anymore, and slammed the glass down on the counter, where it promptly shattered.

"Say something." He said, almost desperately. It occurred to him that this might be some hellish new plot from Yuffie, who was constantly coming up with new ways to piss him off. Well, if she was trying to get a reaction out of him, she'd certainly succeeded. "You've been staring at me for the last half hour in total silence." What he didn't add was that it was starting to scare the hell out of him, and that it seemed as though she was about to go for his throat or something.

A very disturbing mental image of Yuffie doing just that had been playing through his head for the last fifteen minutes, and every time she so much as twitched a finger, he thought she was going to lunge at him. He didn't say that he'd been tempted to call a doctor several times, since anything that made Yuffie shut up for _this_ long had to be serious.

Yuffie let out a deep breath, and beamed at him. "Oh thank gawd you finally did something I wasn't sure how much time had passed, since Cid was all like, "Shut up Yuffie and get in the closet, and don't talk for a half hour." Or something like that. But anyway, I wasn't sure how much time had gone by, but I didn't want to say anything 'cause I didn't want to lose the bet. Hiya Vinny. How's it goin'? I was meaning to ask you, but I obviously couldn't talk and stuff." She gulped in air like a drowning man who has miraculously found the surface.

Vincent stared at her in utter confusion. He'd understood the words 'Cid', 'Yuffie', and 'closet'. Everything else was just a jumbled mess. He had no idea how she could talk so fast and not bite her own tongue, or how anyone in their right minds could even understand her when she spoke.

"Cid… locked you in the closet?" He guessed, giving her an odd look. She nodded, and gave him the thumbs up. "Why?" He wasn't sure that he wanted to know.

"He bet me that I couldn't keep my mouth shut for more than a half hour," Yuffie explained with a yawn. "I told him I could, and he locked me in the closet. Was Tifa really wearing a dress?"

As people usually did when dealing with Yuffie, Vincent gave up trying to understand what the ninja was trying to say. However, he was a little bit glad that she was talking after the half-hour of horrible quiet. This realization shocked him so badly that he poured himself another drink, assuming that he had simply lost what was left of his mind, and decided that alcohol would be nice.

* * *

Yuffie was very depressed. How did Vincent know this? Simple: Because she'd been telling him at great length for the last fifteen minutes.

"And I'm not even of legal drinking age." She said, laying her head down on her arms. "Yet you people continue to drink in front of me. Why? Why must you be so cruel?"

_I could ask you the same thing._ Vincent thought despondently, pouring himself yet another glass. The wine had been sitting on the shelf for quite a while, and it was very strong. He knew that he'd likely regret the five glasses of wine in the morning, but at the moment, he just wanted to do something about the endless _noise. _

And Yuffie wondered why the people around her were always drinking.

He looked up at the clock, and saw that it was nearly six. "I'm going to…close the windows." He said, thinking quickly. The windows were on the other side of the room. That would put a good fifteen feet at least between him and the noise, at least for a few minutes.

"I'll help!" Yuffie said cheerfully, standing up and knocking over the stool in the process.

Quickly, Vincent stood up as well, protesting that he didn't need her help, thanks, and that he was perfectly capable of closing a few windows on his own. However, the combined effect of six glasses of wine and Yuffie's endless, head-spinning noise, he nearly fell over again. Yuffie grabbed his arm, but the combined weight dragged them both to the floor.

Needless to say, it was an awkward moment. However, Yuffie was never one to be stopped by awkwardness.

She giggled, and sat up. "That was pretty funny, Vinny." She said. "Let's do it again."

Vincent wished that the ground would open up and swallow him.

Unfortunately, the Planet wasn't that kind.

* * *

Yeah, as I said before, some OOC-ness. Apparently, Yuffie doesn't understand the concept of a half hour, and Vincent makes up for not talking much by saying quite a bit in his head. 

Hell, if he said half of that stuff out loud, they'd all think he was nuttier than squirrel turds.

The reason this I took longer to update is because a) this chapter is actually longer than the others, b) I was reading an amazing fic [**Hate your Heroes** by **Buckle**, go read it or else. and c) because I had so much bloody homework to do that I had deadlines coming out of my…ears…


	9. The Dates

**A/N:** Sorry very much for the delay in updating- I had a test to study for. And it was murder.

Wow, you people are so nice. I haven't checked my email in about three hundred years, so I'm sorry to the people who messaged me or sent comments that I didn't reply to. XO

**

* * *

Chapter Eight: The Date, Part 1**

* * *

"Aaaannddd…D'you got any fives?" Yuffie asked hopefully, peering at her cards with such intensity that the tip of her tongue was sticking out. It was actually kind of cute, to tell the truth.

Vincent mentally slapped himself, and then spent the next few moments trying in vain to convince all the laughing voices in his head that he hadn't really thought anything along those lines. He didn't doubt that he'd be hearing about _this_ for a _very _long time.

He realized that Yuffie was looking at him expectantly. "Hellooo? Vinnie? Are ya in there? Earth to Vincent Valentine!"

Blinking, he tried to remember what she'd been saying before he'd gotten…distracted. Something about Go Fish, since she'd somehow convinced him into playing with an old deck of cards she'd found in a drawer. They were playing on the floor, which made no sense since they could choose from any table in the building. But the Great Ninja had demanded it, and Vincent had given in, since it was easier than arguing. Yuffie was extremely obstinate when it came to getting her to change her mind.

"Vincent." Yuffie said again, sounding extremely exasperated. "Do. You. Have. Any. Fives?" to pass the time while she waited for his response, she began arranging her many pairs into a straight line in front of her.

He shook his head, and she reached for a card. Actually, he did have a five. It was just that when Yuffie made a pair, she got up and did a victory dance. At the moment, Yuffie had sixteen pairs, which meant she'd done sixteen victory dances; Vincent had had enough.

"I wonder…" the ninja mused. "I wonder how Cloud and Tifa are doing on their date?" She giggled. "I bet they're just sitting there staring at each other."

It wasn't too hard to imagine. Cloud wasn't exactly the talkative type, and even though Tifa attempt to keep a conversation going, there was no way she'd be able to keep it up for long. While Cloud wasn't _quite_ as bad as Vincent when it came to long periods of utter silence, there was no dispute over the fact that he won a close second in the Silence Awards.

"You know what I think?" the ninja asked with a mischievous look on her face. Without waiting for Vincent to reply, she kept right on going. "I think we should go and see how they're doing." She leaned foreward; elbows propped on her knees, and gave Vincent the evil eye. "Whaddayathink?" she asked, making it all one word.

"I think you should leave them alone." He said firmly, giving her the evil eye right back. "Trust me, Yuffie. You've done enough."

This earned him a look of surprise from his fellow bar-sitter, who nearly dropped her cards. "That's the most you've said at one time all night." She pointed out with a grin.

Vincent had the feeling that it was the Yuffie-ness rubbing off on him. It was nearly impossible to be around someone as talkative as she was without any repercussions. It was like… an infectious disease. Yuffinitis. Of course, 'talkative' for Vincent meant saying more than ten words in a sentence, which he'd done several times that night.

It was definitely contagious.

"Vincent." Yuffie said in utter exasperation. She must be pretty annoyed, since she used his full name and not Vinny, Vin-Vin, Vincento, Joe, or some other ridiculous nickname. In a way, it was a relief. "Vincent, it's your turn."

"Do you have any sixes?"

"Go fish. Joe."

* * *

Tifa arrived at the restaurant with fifteen minutes to spare, nervous beyond belief and feeling extremely awkward in the first dress she'd worn since she was six. There was no sign of Cloud, so she sat down at a table to wait, politely dismissing the waiter who asked for her order

He'd said he might be a little late, but she didn't know how late 'a little' was. Five minutes? Fifteen? Now that it came down to it, she was beginning to realize how awkward it would be if she was sitting there waiting for a long time, with all of those eyes on her. People would probably be feeling sorry for her, for that poor girl who'd been stood up by her date.

Again, Tifa pounded that little pessimistic voice into oblivion, and took a sip of water. Of course he'd show up. That was a ridiculous thing to be thinking when she'd only been in the restaurant for all of two minutes

Ah. There was the first one, from a table where a middle-aged couple was halfway through the desert course- a head inclined in her direction and shaken almost imperceptibly, a gesture that spelled 'nosiness and pity' clear as day. Didn't these people have something better to do than watch her while they ate supper?

The waiter came by again. "Are you ready to order?" he asked looking down. For a moment, Tifa wondered whether he was shy, and then remembered that sitting down in a dress made said dress ride up considerably.

She cleared her throat emphatically, and made a very big show of slowly cracking her knuckles, and the waiter looked up, beginning to blush furiously. "No." She said. "I am not ready to order. Do not ask again."

Cringing a little, the man backed off, going to find a table with a customer that would be less likely to attack him.

Five minutes passed, and then ten. Fifteen. Tifa resolutely ignored the sidelong looks, and decided to wait a little longer. For all she knew, traffic had been particularly bad that day, or something. It was extremely unlikely, but maybe he'd call her, or something.

As if on cue, her cell phone rang, and the number displayed was Cloud's. This really _was _a momentous occasion- not only had he _answered_ his phone, but he'd actually used it to make a call as well. With a small smile, Tifa flipped the phone open.

"Hello?" As before, she could hear wind rushing by on the other end. So he was driving- that could be a good or a bad sign.

"It's Cloud." Maybe the reason Cloud didn't make many phone calls was that he sounded very awkward on the phone. "Sorry about the wait- I'm on my way now." When he continued, Tifa could almost hear the smile in his voice. "So… word on the street is that you're wearing a dress," he said. Tifa covered her mouth with her hand to keep from laughing. If she wasn't mistaken, Cloud was teasing her.

"You'll have to find out when you get here, won't you?" She replied, the small smile growing much larger. He laughed-just a little, but it was still a laugh- and said goodbye. As Tifa slipped the phone back into her purse, the smile stayed on her face.

* * *

Somehow, the innocent game of 'Go Fish' had become a competition to the death. Vincent wasn't sure how, but suddenly, they were on their fifteenth game with no sign of stopping. It was probably his fault for letting things get out of hand.

He'd started letting Yuffie win a long time ago, since it put her in a good mood and distracted her from her plan to prank call the restaurant Tifa and Cloud were going to. Well, that and the fact that when she won, she looked very cu-

He managed to stop that thought just in time. With a mental reminder to never pick up a bottle of wine ever again no matter how much he felt he needed the alcohol, Vincent began to shuffle the cards. How many glasses had he drunk, anyway? Since he couldn't remember, he decided that it must have been too many.

Yuffie was staring up at the ceiling- well; actually, she was staring at the underside of the table they were _still_ camped out underneath- with a thoughtful look on her face. "Vinnie," she said slowly. "Why do I have the feeling that we're forgetting something? And don't say 'Because we _are_ forgetting something, Yuffie', or I'll kick your grumpy ass out the window." She frowned. "Not that you _would _say something like that. It's too many words."

Vincent ignored the last comment, a skill he'd perfected over the last three years. Now that she mentioned it, it _did_ seem like they were forgetting something. He thought back to his conversation with Cid right before the pilot had left the bar. Hadn't Highwind reminded them to do something?

It dawned on them both at the same time, and they stared at each other with horrified looks on their faces.

"Oh shit." Yuffie said weakly. " We forgot about Marlene."

* * *

Tifa looked up as she heard the restaurant door open. She had to admit, Cloud looked more than a little awkward as he walked in. Tifa guessed that he didn't have much experience with the whole dating thing.

Seeing that he was scanning the sea of tables, she raised her hand and waved to him, hoping that he'd see her among all of the other people. After a few moments, he did, and made his way quickly across the room. Tifa noticed that he had one hand behind his back, and wondered if he'd brought her flowers. That would be so adorable.

Cloud sat down. "Sorry I'm late," He said quietly. "I had to pick something up." He took his hand from behind his back, revealing- yep. Flowers. Red roses, to be exact. "A special delivery."

Tifa blushed, and took the flowers. "These are beautiful," she said appreciatively. "It's fall! Where did you find roses?"

Cloud didn't feel like telling her that he'd drove thirty miles out of his way to find a florist that still had roses. It really wasn't important. "I'm… glad you like them…"

There was a moment of awkward silence, since neither of them could be called experts at the whole dating thing.

Thankfully, the waiter saved them. It was the same man as before, only this time he made a valiant effort to keep his eyes on Tifa's face, and not the neckline of her dress. "Would you like to look at a menu?" He asked cautiously, holding up the menus like a shield.

He looked extremely relieved when they accepted, and scurried away again as soon as the menus were out of his hands.

Cloud gave Tifa a curious look. "What was all that about?" He asked, opening up the menu. "You don't think he recognized us, do you?"

It was a plausible excuse, since most people were sometimes intimidated when they found out that the two-time saviors of the world were eating in their restaurant. Cid, who apparently expected idol-worship and not nervousness, was probably the most annoyed about this.

Tifa decided not to tell Cloud the real reason for the waiter's nervousness, since he could be kind of touchy about things like that sometimes. She just nodded, and opened her menu as well. "That must have been it." She agreed, toying with the stems of the roses as she scanned the list.

* * *

**A/N: **I am pretty mean, dontcha think? This wasn't a very long chapter, but it wasn't short either. Sorry about the delay- I had a bloody huge test to study for, as I think I mentioned.

Oh, and speaking of which- I haven't forgotten about THE LIST, even though it has been conspicuously absent for the last few chapters. It will reappear soon, since it is the point of this whole fic.

And Reno will make another appearance too… (dramatic drum roll, please!)


	10. The Inner Yuffie

**A/N: **Yes, oh people of It is I, the great Samwise, delivering you from the horrors of…um…horrible things with my shiny pen of…yeah. Coolness. (Even though it's not a pen, only Microsoft Word. But still.) I have returned! I have challenged the evil that is high school and have emerged triumphant! Fear my wrath, oh ye denizens of the PSAT! Tremble in fear, oh ye minions of the bluebook exam! THIS…IS… STUPIDITY! GRAAAAHHHH!!!

In reality, my computer was being stupid and refusing to acknowledge the existence of the Internet. Also, I was watching 300. And Transformers. Which are both kickass movies.

Ok, I'm done talking.

* * *

**Chapter 10: Grand Theft Auto, the Inner Yuffie, Cigarettes, and Reno.**

* * *

What words could be used to describe the interior of the Seventh Heaven? 

Well, the first would be messy, since Yuffie Kisaragi plus clean room multiplied by time equaled mess. The second would be chaotic (no pun intended), since Yuffie and Vincent plus an incredibly important errand that both of them forgot about generally equaled mayhem in the fifth degree. The third adjective that could be employed would be empty, since both of them had charged out the door at top speed immediately after realizing that they'd forgotten to go pick up Marlene from her friend's house.

Simply because she could, Yuffie had taken the keys from the coffee can on the shelf, and had hijacked Cloud's other motorcycle. It had been a group gift from the other member's of AVALANCHE for Strife's last birthday, but he'd never ridden it other than the obligatory test run around the block after it had been presented to him. It appeared that he was too stuck up to use it, but Vincent thought that he knew better. One, Strife just liked Fenrir too much, and second, the other motorcycle had faulty brakes.

"You should have let me drive!!" Yuffie howled as they rounded another corner at breakneck speed, nearly throwing both passengers off to the side. Yuffie was forced to grab him around the middle to keep her seat, and she nearly squeezed him in half. "You're going too fast! Lemme off!!"

She almost got her wish as they swerved to avoid clueless pedestrian, skidded through a puddle of water, ran a red light, slaughtered three trashcans, decimated a poor bush that was just minding it's own business, and mangled a stop sign. All of this was set to the soundtrack of Yuffie's ear-splitting scream of terror. Vincent didn't think she'd taken a breath once the entire time, but he could be mistaken: He'd lost the hearing in both his ears by the time they encountered the trashcans.

"Damnit, Vinny- I didn't think you'd take me seriously!" She shrieked as they approached the house at a speed that would put the _Highwind_ to shame.

And then, both of them realized the problem: How were they going to stop? It really hadn't occurred to the two of them that they'd need to do more than just avoid hitting people and things as they ran every red light in Midgar, which was an extremely foolish move on both their parts.

"How are we gonna stop?"

Vincent answered the question by simply letting go of the gas. The bike skidded to a stop, and Yuffie let out one last scream for good measure, effectively destroying any hearing her companion still had left.

She climbed shakily off the bike. "I'm never letting you drive ever again as long as I live!" the ninja moaned, clutching her stomach. "Sweet Leviathan, I think I'm gonna be sick. Did you _have_ to try and break the landspeed record? Maybe you just wanted me to hug you, or something. If that was the case, you coulda just asked, you know. You didn't need to try and kill us. If you'd asked, I'd have-" Noticing that Vincent was staring at her, she stopped. "What? _IS_ that what you were trying to do? If it was, I'll whack you from here to next Tuesday! And don't you think that I couldn't! I am an amazing hot ninja babe, and I could totally kick your a-" Vincent waited patiently for it to register.

Someone tugged at her arm, and Yuffie looked down mid-rant. "Not now, Marlene, I'm ranting. So anyway, I could totally kick your ass and feed you to my choc- Oh my god! Marlene! I'm so sorry we forgot to get you! It was all Vincent's fault for trying to kill me!" she gave the girl a quick hug, and giggled nervously. "And you wont tell Tifa or Cloud anything about this when they get back from their date, ok? And you especially won't tell them that we stole chocobo head's bike, right?"

Marlene gave her a puzzled look, and then turned to Vincent. "Mr. Vincent," She asked, "Has Aunt Yuffie been drinking again?"

It was probably just an optical illusion, a trick her eyes were playing on her in the bad light from the dim streetlamps, but Yuffie could have sworn she saw him smile.

* * *

Three hours, two glasses of wine, and one plate of spaghetti later, Tifa was having more fun than she'd had in years. She'd succeeded in getting Cloud to smile-several times- and made a mental note to cross that one off the list. They'd talked about absolutely nothing for the entire time, and had had a blast doing it. And after she'd gotten over the initial awkwardness of being on a _date_ with _Cloud, _it had turned out to be a memorable night. 

And the flowers. He'd brought her flowers. No, he'd brought her roses. It was an extremely un-Cloudlike thing to do, and it was an extremely un-Tifalike thing for her to get a kick out of them, but the fact remained that it was so damn cute she really couldn't do anything else. As soon as she got home, she'd find a vase for them and put them up in her room, next to the bed. Or maybe on the counter in the bar, so she could look at them while she was working. Or maybe both- she could mover them around.

A voice that could only be described as her Inner Yuffie spoke up, shaking some sense into her. _You are on a date with the hottest guy in Edge. _It was saying. _Stop thinking about the flowers and start thinking about something else… like his big…blue…eyes. I think that might be the reason he's so successful and famous. Yes, definitely. _Tifa called this little voice her Inner Yuffie, because it told her the things that the Outer Yuffie would tell her, and did so with uncanny precision. Earlier that day, her Inner and Outer Yuffies had both told her to call Cloud, and she had complied. Look where she'd wound up. _In fact, cute guys __**surround**__ you! _The voice went on. _How come you never ask any of them on dates, huh?_

But the best part about the Inner Yuffie was that, unlike the Outer one, it could be shut up fairly easily.

Making a mental note to thank one or both of them, Tifa took another sip of the wine that Perverted Waiter Guy had brought over, and allowed herself the luxury of a small laugh. He wouldn't be repeating his mistake with her any time soon, that was for sure. On the pretense of using the restroom, she'd gotten up form the table right before the food arrived, and had let the waiter know exactly what she thought about him. He hadn't liked one bit, and had been polite as a pea ever since.

Everything was going just fine. Tifa hoped that it would stay that way.

* * *

Meanwhile, Cid stood in front of a newspaper stand, pretending to look at the magazines, but actually eyeing the cigarettes. Realizing what he was doing, the pilot turned around and refused to even look at the things. He'd made a bet with Tifa, and he intended to keep it. 

Then, a mischievous look spread over his face, and he reached for his wallet. What Tifa didn't know wouldn't hurt her. She was at the restaurant with Strife, and would have no way of knowing whether or not he'd had a few cigarettes while she was away. Whistling, he paid the guy behind the counter and scooped up the two packs he'd bought.

After a furtive glance around reassured him that there was no one around, Cid opened up the box, tapped the bottom against his palm a few times, and pulled out a cigarette. So far, so good. He fumbled around in his pockets, and pulled out a lighter, which he flipped open casually and used to light the cigarette.

Ah, that was more like it. Cid wondered why he'd ever made this stupid bet in the first place. It was going to drive him crazy if he had to think about it much longer, much less go through with it. He didn't even know what he'd get if he won the bet. He frowned, and made a mental note to ask Tifa about that when she got back.

But as Cid was puffing away on his cancer stick, he heard a familiar sound: The roar of a motorcycle engine. He looked around in a panic, trying to determine the direction of the noise. They were coming back early, and if Tifa saw him, he'd never hear the end of it.

The glare of the headlights became visible just down the street as a motorcycle with two passengers turned the corner sharply and raced down the street. Thinking fast, Cid threw the cigarette to the ground and stepped on it. Then, he leaned against the wall of the building and tried to look inconspicuous.

He didn't pull it off.

* * *

Reno was terrified. Actually, he was close to pissing himself in fear. 

He'd fought Sephiroth clones. Cloud Strife, Barret Wallace, and Tifa Lockhart, all at the same time. The odd summon here and there. But the only thing that really scared him was _her: _Elena.

Sure, she was adorable, with those beautiful big brown eyes and short blonde hair…and she looked drop-dead sexy in a suit. But she could also kick ass. That was a big problem, since she was better at it than Reno was, even though he'd never actually admit it to anyone but himself.

Aside from the fact that she could shoot better than anyone else he knew, and did so on a regular basis, she was also Tseng's girlfriend, and therefore totally off-limits. Or, she had been. Reno wasn't quite sure whether or not they were sill together, but that had never been a major roadblock for him in the past. And who knew when Tseng was involved. Reno had _also _heard that his fellow Turk had once had a thing for Aeris Gainsborough.

He had to smirk at the thought. After all- was there anyone who _hadn't_ had a thing for Aeris Gainsborough at one time or another? Sure, she was some weird Ancient thing, but she was _hot_. Reno had liked her at one point too… until she'd gone psycho on him for stepping on her precious flowers that one time.

Reno winced just thinking about it. For such a quiet and peaceful looking person, the Cetra had packed one hell of a punch.

He walked up to the door of her office with a confident smile on his face. He knew that if he showed any sign of weakness, he'd be devoured alive. Or shot, more likely. He swallowed nervously, wiped his sweating hands on his wrinkled jacket, and knocked.

_You can do this, Reno, man. _He told himself, trying to build up some false self-confidence. Most of his self-confidence was false anyway, but now he was going to need even more of it than usual. _After all, what's the worst that could happen? _He thought it over for a few moments. _Well, she could shoot you, karate chop your sorry ass into next week, shoot you again with an even _bigger_ gun, or maybe she could just say no._

He reflected that saying no would probably be the least horrible thing that Elena could do to him.

* * *

Gasp!

Thats... three cliffhangers, people. Count 'em!

They're not very _good_ cliffhangers, but they're still cliffhangers.

Please review! I'm so happy that I have 40 reviews, but... wtf... 2000+ hits?!?!?!

Something is wrong with this picture, people. Please review.


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